surrender

Tonight I am angry.
Tonight I was told my best isn't good enough.
Tonight I hurt.. because I know it is all I can do.
I work every day in a place that isn't good for my heart and probably bad for my health.... to do my best.
I gave my daughter the best home I can, I feed her and make sure she is a happy as I can help with.
...and it's not good enough.
Patrick doesn't know, he doesn't understand. He just wants what he wants.
And Matt has cancer. And people don't want it known, we cannot help because people are being selfish and mean.
And i just want to cry
for hours and hours.
and I want someone to hand me $500 to get maggie a plane ticket to NH
And I want to be able to help raise money for the kids to go to their sick father.


And I am sitting here. Typing, Hurt, Sad and Angry.

cricket song

My moon is playing in the high desert branches tonight. Crickets are singing her a song.

I have a few quiet moments while the family is out and so here I sit in twilight with Bats and a dog.

I have noticed Manifestations are strong here, in this new life. I did ask for some quiet time on the way home from work, silently, almost without hope... but.

Ive noticed it in other ways, too... and I am enjoying it. I would like to have more energy to enjoy it with. I think I am still recouperating from ... life?
But it's okay. Things are happening..  Good things.. things I have only dreamed of in the past are seemingly coming to fruition.
It's pretty neat.
I  have yet to figure out the business thing. Yea.. there's something different supposed to be happening, I just haven't found the spark of what that is yet. So, I will continue to do little things and wait.

Because I know it will be amazing... and completely in the flow.. whatever it is.

I am enjoying the cool desert nights of early summer. I also enjoy the dry heat.. no mugginess.

I am very close to getting Maggie her ticket to NH. A week away or so. :)
That is relieving.

yep. good.

Illumination.

Grateful this morning for my gifts and talents (but Boy sometimes do they make life confusing)

Western life.

I found myself having swirling recognizing thoughts in my half sleep this morning. Thoughts about crsis mode and how it has etched it's way into my everyday being.

See, today I don't have anything that I need to do- it is a free day. No kids to baby sit, no errands to run or bills to think about. I don't have any pressing cleaning to do- it is just a free day. But because my life has been so chaotic and upset for so many years, I've forgotten what a calm stress free day feels like. I am so conditioned to being on edge and needing to accomplish this or that, that my immediate way of being is to look for the stress points and work from there. 

Maybe today I can feel my way through to resetting that to always looking for the ease and good and have THAT be my normal set point. 

In other news, cowboy is integrating. I am seeing someone who I would never imagined in a million years I would even remotely have been interested in. We are going slow and that is good. Week 3. 

Gardens are good, will be getting more seed and plants here soon. I really enjoy my time at the farm. 

Well. That's all. 

Enjoying the birds and sun and ease. 

Tired. And true.

We're both tired. Of course I'm scared. How could it be as correct? When I've thought other things were... But all the things I recognize are there. 

Breathe.

But she and I. We are tired.  We need this to be true. 

Leaves

I am seeing how New England has affected me.
It has changed my longings...
for leaves
and autumn
and zen gardens
and trees
and moss
and grass.
I do not like the cold weather for sure.. but this year I will miss the changing seasons.
I don't see myself living here for eternity.
The only way I would is if I was gifted the Poole Place. (or moved to Oak Creek Canyon... maybe)
I do not want to return to New Hampshire, but northern west coast is looking mighty fine.
I am seeing that I cannot create my life in the same manner it has been in the past, recreation of the same is not something that should be done.
And that is okay. 
It's like gleaning out the 'Who I Really Am' points and arranging them in a new and pleasing pattern.
for sure.

Sunlit path

So. I've been engulfed in some shitty ugliness at my job. It is really making me feel like junk. I am not doing my good soul-purpose work even though I like my job and coworkers.

It is very unhealthy for me. My soul is feeling very disconnected and rampantly chaotic from it. Like a scared rabbit in a dark wood. 

This is what happens when we don't follow our own light. My soul is currently not someone I know, it is part of a strange mass of lost things being pushed along in drama games. 

So, knowing this it is to end. It is to change. 

There is a slight comfort in knowing what I have been immersed In. What is a true comfort is knowing who I truly am and that I can gain a place in my own experience where footing is solid and the light returns to the path. 

Realignment and stepping back to my glad place begins tonight. 

And for it I am grateful.