so i feel like sht today.
i am stupid tired, thinking it was from yesterday, but knowing it may not be.. my left nostril is goopy. dammit. im an herbalist- i do not get sick.
i am hot, i am tired, but cannot sleep.
I wonder why i let people emotionally use me, why i cannot refuel to my needs.
actually i know why i cannot refuel. i dont have time. i have never known the phrase- need a vacation - more than i do now. i really need to take some time off, my back stock of gumption and reserves of drive and inspiration are gone- completely. i have been working this shop thing from the molecule up for the past 10 months - every day. I am drained to the point of overwhelmed. *sigh* :/i dont have fresh eyes to see it with. and i NEED them. how can i cleanse this???
Lynette is trying to worm her way into the shop by sweet talking me into giving her space.. she is playing on my strings of needing an assistant. but i know how this song and dance goes- she comes in all gung ho- changes everything, and then fizzles, leaving me with even more work than i had before and a sense of unacomplishment. she does it Over, and Over and Over again all the places she goes.
so, no. i wont do it.
Maggs has been sick for days now.. and she doesnt have insurance if it gets worse :( stupid fucking bonehead me hasnt gotten her shit in gear and done anything about it. yea.. in all my free time.
you know, I would say something about losing out on having help while Isaac was here- but i didnt. Which is neither he nor I's fault- he is busy in Boston, and I am so busy here. We just don't have it :/ which is crappy.
Its hot in Rollinsford- again. I was hoping we were over this, but no..
Maggs starts school on Thursday. Jeez. School. WHAT THE Crap??
i feel like my life is getting away from me so much.. i want to enjoy the little details.. what little details?
I live in a clusterfuck mess of shit all around me- all this crap in my house and she shop back room is driving me nuts. small place, too much crap cant think straight.
goddamn it.
i need a shower and a frying pan to the head.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
you were odd tonight, everything alright with you?
yes, im fine. you mean at dinner? I guess its just me adjusting to not knowing you anymore. you're a stranger. :/
is that a bad thing or good? I have told you things are different and they are, I am!
i dont know.. its just different. you take things for granted when they are in your face, that they will always be a certain way.. but given time, they change. and when you see that they are no longer what they once were its a little strange. Im not saying for better or worse.. just different.
been a lot of that around my life lately...
Had Dinner with Maggs and Pat tonight. Strange thing..
I have been feeling like my Mother all day. RealiZing that i cannot see myslef, i do not know what i look like, or how i seem when i act on anything. it is impossible for me to see myself from the outside. So i see myself as my mother. the tight jeans and small shirts, the attitude, the woman she was when i was a early teen. I cannot identify myself as anything else some days. I wish i could have someone follow me around with a video camera for an entire day and then watch the footage, just so i could see me and identify with myself. Although that leads to the question of the universe imploding in on itself trying to gain knowledge of itself- how WOULD i do that? could i? could i handle seeing myself in every day situations? what do i look like? how do i sound? would i be someone i liked? how would it change me?
i really should find out.
things are not like they were a few weeks ago. Everything seems strange and forign.
The train outside is scary to me rite now.. i dont like how it sounds.. the freight train. they have always scared me. they remind me of being in a Nazi camp for some reason.
Im tired, Lots of emotion has flown around in the past few weeks. I have no clue what life will hold for me anymore, so i am keeping to my pace, knocking on doors- taking one step at a time forward. what works will work what doesnt will fall away.
Good night..
yes, im fine. you mean at dinner? I guess its just me adjusting to not knowing you anymore. you're a stranger. :/
is that a bad thing or good? I have told you things are different and they are, I am!
i dont know.. its just different. you take things for granted when they are in your face, that they will always be a certain way.. but given time, they change. and when you see that they are no longer what they once were its a little strange. Im not saying for better or worse.. just different.
been a lot of that around my life lately...
Had Dinner with Maggs and Pat tonight. Strange thing..
I have been feeling like my Mother all day. RealiZing that i cannot see myslef, i do not know what i look like, or how i seem when i act on anything. it is impossible for me to see myself from the outside. So i see myself as my mother. the tight jeans and small shirts, the attitude, the woman she was when i was a early teen. I cannot identify myself as anything else some days. I wish i could have someone follow me around with a video camera for an entire day and then watch the footage, just so i could see me and identify with myself. Although that leads to the question of the universe imploding in on itself trying to gain knowledge of itself- how WOULD i do that? could i? could i handle seeing myself in every day situations? what do i look like? how do i sound? would i be someone i liked? how would it change me?
i really should find out.
things are not like they were a few weeks ago. Everything seems strange and forign.
The train outside is scary to me rite now.. i dont like how it sounds.. the freight train. they have always scared me. they remind me of being in a Nazi camp for some reason.
Im tired, Lots of emotion has flown around in the past few weeks. I have no clue what life will hold for me anymore, so i am keeping to my pace, knocking on doors- taking one step at a time forward. what works will work what doesnt will fall away.
Good night..
Thursday's Child
....*sigh* has far to go.
Been talking to Mr. Lane lately, always an elusively good time. Sean is the best, love his grumpy ass to pieces.
It has solidified for me that I want to be in a real relationship. I guess with the lack of what should have been in my relationship over the past few years, an understanding of what I do want has been grounded. Didi that come out rite? who knows...
it feels like-
I am getting older, Bullshit aside, and I just want to be stable. I really think (think seems more solid than feel), that my experimenting days are chilled out, that I would like to continue to Explore this world, but from a more stable vantage point. Sean says I should look for someone who has at least 50% of the qualities I am wanting, but not look so hard, and quit trying. Sean is confusing but makes sense at the same time.
I am Pisces. I have this enduing need to belong to someone, and yet be as free as possible.. and Im sick of it. I would just like to find my one to roll with. To fall asleep in their arms..to have a family with, to celebrate Holidays and have morning coffee with.. someone who is attractive physically AND spiritually. but not a wuss. No new age hippie wimp.
maybe hes rite, maybe i need to just close my eyes and wait. and not think. heh. yea rite.
anyways.. must do shop work today. made some orders yesterday and i am happy about that :)
Maggs was sick yesterday, fever and such. Today she is better.. and I am glad. :)
yea.. over and out.
Been talking to Mr. Lane lately, always an elusively good time. Sean is the best, love his grumpy ass to pieces.
It has solidified for me that I want to be in a real relationship. I guess with the lack of what should have been in my relationship over the past few years, an understanding of what I do want has been grounded. Didi that come out rite? who knows...
it feels like-
I am getting older, Bullshit aside, and I just want to be stable. I really think (think seems more solid than feel), that my experimenting days are chilled out, that I would like to continue to Explore this world, but from a more stable vantage point. Sean says I should look for someone who has at least 50% of the qualities I am wanting, but not look so hard, and quit trying. Sean is confusing but makes sense at the same time.
I am Pisces. I have this enduing need to belong to someone, and yet be as free as possible.. and Im sick of it. I would just like to find my one to roll with. To fall asleep in their arms..to have a family with, to celebrate Holidays and have morning coffee with.. someone who is attractive physically AND spiritually. but not a wuss. No new age hippie wimp.
maybe hes rite, maybe i need to just close my eyes and wait. and not think. heh. yea rite.
anyways.. must do shop work today. made some orders yesterday and i am happy about that :)
Maggs was sick yesterday, fever and such. Today she is better.. and I am glad. :)
yea.. over and out.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Rainy Wednesday
Stupidly Obvious title.
But, yes.. it's raining outside... a dreary lovely indoor kind of day. Maggie is watching Shows and Movies because she is not feeling well, and I am putting around the house. Im not accomplishing much, seeing as how i really just want to curl up with information and drink tea. :) Am I allowed such things? Yes, Yes I am. I also will do my online orders while I am at it. (attempted that once already, the site ate the damn thing.. after an hour of decisions)
Well, paused and got it made.
Anyways.. I have a feeling i will squander this rainy rainy day..maybe i will cook something. Which sounds like a good plan.. Nothing better on a rainy day than settling in, stabilizing a bit. <3. I miss Home Made food and Good, Home Comfort. Things like comfort dont happen around here much...
Maggs isnt worried about hanging around and doing nothing all day, which is a total bonus.
the Flowers outside are loving this rain. Jazz and Tea for the day.. will thaw the chicken and make Pot Pie for dinner. Maybe some chocolate chip cookies as well :) and i should get the bread machine on. Oh.. I miss these kind of days. <3
Steven Days.. Home Days.
Wish sometimes I still Lived in Farmington.
But, yes.. it's raining outside... a dreary lovely indoor kind of day. Maggie is watching Shows and Movies because she is not feeling well, and I am putting around the house. Im not accomplishing much, seeing as how i really just want to curl up with information and drink tea. :) Am I allowed such things? Yes, Yes I am. I also will do my online orders while I am at it. (attempted that once already, the site ate the damn thing.. after an hour of decisions)
Well, paused and got it made.
Anyways.. I have a feeling i will squander this rainy rainy day..maybe i will cook something. Which sounds like a good plan.. Nothing better on a rainy day than settling in, stabilizing a bit. <3. I miss Home Made food and Good, Home Comfort. Things like comfort dont happen around here much...
Maggs isnt worried about hanging around and doing nothing all day, which is a total bonus.
the Flowers outside are loving this rain. Jazz and Tea for the day.. will thaw the chicken and make Pot Pie for dinner. Maybe some chocolate chip cookies as well :) and i should get the bread machine on. Oh.. I miss these kind of days. <3
Steven Days.. Home Days.
Wish sometimes I still Lived in Farmington.
Friday, August 20, 2010
6 things vs the broken heart.
Here i sit. In the shop. The most ambitious thing i have ever done.. and i think the bottom dropped out of my heart within the past 15 hours or so...
I try to keep myself from feeling too much. I dont want to be sad- ever.
i think i failed miserably.
My heart is broken today, for a couple reasons, but all boil down to the fact that people don't appreciate what they have, it's all taken for granted. Jealous, yes. Why? Because 2 men that I love for different reasons are in situations where they could have so much more, where so much more could be given in total joy, pure bliss- and because of fuck ups of others neither will ever experience it. Its not fair.. altho life is not about fair, because fair does not exist. Only experience.
And then there's me. Me who can be so amazing for someone.. someone. but not any one. where's my someone? *sigh* chasing a train... That due to it's rust & grime, walked away from...
I don't like to cry. It makes me tired. But it wont stop. I was so happy.. if just for a fleeting bit. I crave information, I want confirmation. I want what seems impossible (i like to imagine 6 impossible things before breakfast... ) what would those be? A wonderful man with beautiful looks & Strength and a Harley falls madly in love with me and we live happily ever after, The shop explodes in abundance of cash income and customers, I Own a beautiful Victorian House with acreage and apple trees, im happy again, I have inspiration galore, I accomplish lots each day.
too much to ask?
pack up the train, the penny.... put them away for future reference.
I try to keep myself from feeling too much. I dont want to be sad- ever.
i think i failed miserably.
My heart is broken today, for a couple reasons, but all boil down to the fact that people don't appreciate what they have, it's all taken for granted. Jealous, yes. Why? Because 2 men that I love for different reasons are in situations where they could have so much more, where so much more could be given in total joy, pure bliss- and because of fuck ups of others neither will ever experience it. Its not fair.. altho life is not about fair, because fair does not exist. Only experience.
And then there's me. Me who can be so amazing for someone.. someone. but not any one. where's my someone? *sigh* chasing a train... That due to it's rust & grime, walked away from...
I don't like to cry. It makes me tired. But it wont stop. I was so happy.. if just for a fleeting bit. I crave information, I want confirmation. I want what seems impossible (i like to imagine 6 impossible things before breakfast... ) what would those be? A wonderful man with beautiful looks & Strength and a Harley falls madly in love with me and we live happily ever after, The shop explodes in abundance of cash income and customers, I Own a beautiful Victorian House with acreage and apple trees, im happy again, I have inspiration galore, I accomplish lots each day.
too much to ask?
pack up the train, the penny.... put them away for future reference.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
And then there was...
Rivet Head Boot Stomper....
Listening to Haujobb. Its getting Dark. its time to think.
Think.
Think.
think.....
Its time to reset, reboot, recharge.
Odd to integrate old life into new.. old beautiful pieces into new life and make it all one.
So, Isaac left. But I knew he would. I knew we wouldn't make it when I was talking more and more to the people here and less and less to him. :/ but hey. He will be happy, and so will I - i know this. I am so happy for him and proud of him for doing what he does. We tried.. ish. Too different, but from the same dirt..
And Onto Candlebox.. 10,000 Horses...
Skies so wide the dreamer..
'skies so wide the dreamer does face...
any direction seems like eternity...
and all mole hills become mountains.. and all winds become new direction...
all experience builds beauty'
Need more inspiration about the shop.. need to suck it up and put on my big girl pants and rivet boots and get to massive work on my biggest project outside of Maggie in my life..
Cutting back on all and everything. No frills much anymore. The support of another is not to be taken lightly, and this I know. Not to mention.. we really dont need much. As long as the bills are paid, we're good. Im looking forward to the expansion in this. The blooming of my soul again, on my own.. the endless search of self. This pretty thing that is wanted but never touched. Seems the only person on this planet I have ever been emotionally available for is Magdelana Greenleigh. Blame it on my mother, my childhood, the males.. whatever. I have a depth few can reach and none can touch.. save the archer at one time. yea.. blame it on the males.
Looking forward to finding that one person to connect with on a spiritual soul level. Fish.. Two lost souls swimming in a fish Bowl, year after year...
I must be comfortable here, I have emotion. I have a pull I can feel. in these, the times of quiet and dark, the pull dances within my chest. The pull sings my arms to air, holds my bones to desert moon.. 'dry dusty desert moon, silent, slippery wet moon..' silly thing, see what you've done?
33.. double number.. never have looked at it, Past my mother's beauty. Past my joy space with her. Im a big girl now, with a host of memories-crying-tears and painted bubble smiles. My laughter rings true with a rhythmic sounds or insane children and fast motors. My Laughter sings true in hot hair flattened pennies and daydreamed futures regardless of form. Things held solid work in fire wood, kitchen joy and traditions in family. Coffee in morning porch chairs, chickens henning around, and kisses so sweet.
'I can cook for you every day of your LIFE...' she said as her eyes pleaded, 'I am SO good at Everything I do.. why can't you just stay a little longer? Why can't you just manifest real? All of my dreams and comfort resides on your hands and in our journey - where ARE you? When it's bedtime, why can I not sleep in your arms..' She thought of his eyes, his smile, his voice.. She reminisced on memories yet to be made, family, tradition, pride of her Man.... the pride and love in his eyes reflected to her.. the gentleness in his strong hands.. in all things from the children to their bed. So she sat down, and waited. She knew he would come....
Foot work, Knocking on doors as Mike Dooley Says.
Yes.. and I continue on. But will someone please introduce me to my future already? To my one and all, to my comfort and joy, painfully loving to sorrow and fear. All locked into one..
Cheryl Crow asks 'are you strong enough to be my man?'
Well.. Are you?
...wherever you are.
Shop. Must think on Shop. Magic, Magic, Magic.. and Beauty. Shop.
*sigh* yes. I have all opportunity, and I am grateful and Blessed for it. And I have promised my Opportunity that I will work 150% harder to get it rite and wonderful. And so I go on..
And For all of it, I am grateful.
Listening to Haujobb. Its getting Dark. its time to think.
Think.
Think.
think.....
Its time to reset, reboot, recharge.
Odd to integrate old life into new.. old beautiful pieces into new life and make it all one.
So, Isaac left. But I knew he would. I knew we wouldn't make it when I was talking more and more to the people here and less and less to him. :/ but hey. He will be happy, and so will I - i know this. I am so happy for him and proud of him for doing what he does. We tried.. ish. Too different, but from the same dirt..
And Onto Candlebox.. 10,000 Horses...
Skies so wide the dreamer..
'skies so wide the dreamer does face...
any direction seems like eternity...
and all mole hills become mountains.. and all winds become new direction...
all experience builds beauty'
Need more inspiration about the shop.. need to suck it up and put on my big girl pants and rivet boots and get to massive work on my biggest project outside of Maggie in my life..
Cutting back on all and everything. No frills much anymore. The support of another is not to be taken lightly, and this I know. Not to mention.. we really dont need much. As long as the bills are paid, we're good. Im looking forward to the expansion in this. The blooming of my soul again, on my own.. the endless search of self. This pretty thing that is wanted but never touched. Seems the only person on this planet I have ever been emotionally available for is Magdelana Greenleigh. Blame it on my mother, my childhood, the males.. whatever. I have a depth few can reach and none can touch.. save the archer at one time. yea.. blame it on the males.
Looking forward to finding that one person to connect with on a spiritual soul level. Fish.. Two lost souls swimming in a fish Bowl, year after year...
I must be comfortable here, I have emotion. I have a pull I can feel. in these, the times of quiet and dark, the pull dances within my chest. The pull sings my arms to air, holds my bones to desert moon.. 'dry dusty desert moon, silent, slippery wet moon..' silly thing, see what you've done?
33.. double number.. never have looked at it, Past my mother's beauty. Past my joy space with her. Im a big girl now, with a host of memories-crying-tears and painted bubble smiles. My laughter rings true with a rhythmic sounds or insane children and fast motors. My Laughter sings true in hot hair flattened pennies and daydreamed futures regardless of form. Things held solid work in fire wood, kitchen joy and traditions in family. Coffee in morning porch chairs, chickens henning around, and kisses so sweet.
'I can cook for you every day of your LIFE...' she said as her eyes pleaded, 'I am SO good at Everything I do.. why can't you just stay a little longer? Why can't you just manifest real? All of my dreams and comfort resides on your hands and in our journey - where ARE you? When it's bedtime, why can I not sleep in your arms..' She thought of his eyes, his smile, his voice.. She reminisced on memories yet to be made, family, tradition, pride of her Man.... the pride and love in his eyes reflected to her.. the gentleness in his strong hands.. in all things from the children to their bed. So she sat down, and waited. She knew he would come....
Foot work, Knocking on doors as Mike Dooley Says.
Yes.. and I continue on. But will someone please introduce me to my future already? To my one and all, to my comfort and joy, painfully loving to sorrow and fear. All locked into one..
Cheryl Crow asks 'are you strong enough to be my man?'
Well.. Are you?
...wherever you are.
Shop. Must think on Shop. Magic, Magic, Magic.. and Beauty. Shop.
*sigh* yes. I have all opportunity, and I am grateful and Blessed for it. And I have promised my Opportunity that I will work 150% harder to get it rite and wonderful. And so I go on..
And For all of it, I am grateful.
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