Here i sit. In the shop. The most ambitious thing i have ever done.. and i think the bottom dropped out of my heart within the past 15 hours or so...
I try to keep myself from feeling too much. I dont want to be sad- ever.
i think i failed miserably.
My heart is broken today, for a couple reasons, but all boil down to the fact that people don't appreciate what they have, it's all taken for granted. Jealous, yes. Why? Because 2 men that I love for different reasons are in situations where they could have so much more, where so much more could be given in total joy, pure bliss- and because of fuck ups of others neither will ever experience it. Its not fair.. altho life is not about fair, because fair does not exist. Only experience.
And then there's me. Me who can be so amazing for someone.. someone. but not any one. where's my someone? *sigh* chasing a train... That due to it's rust & grime, walked away from...
I don't like to cry. It makes me tired. But it wont stop. I was so happy.. if just for a fleeting bit. I crave information, I want confirmation. I want what seems impossible (i like to imagine 6 impossible things before breakfast... ) what would those be? A wonderful man with beautiful looks & Strength and a Harley falls madly in love with me and we live happily ever after, The shop explodes in abundance of cash income and customers, I Own a beautiful Victorian House with acreage and apple trees, im happy again, I have inspiration galore, I accomplish lots each day.
too much to ask?
pack up the train, the penny.... put them away for future reference.
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