you were odd tonight, everything alright with you?

yes, im fine. you mean at dinner? I guess its just me adjusting to not knowing you anymore. you're a stranger. :/

is that a bad thing or good? I have told you things are different and they are, I am!

i dont know.. its just different. you take things for granted when they are in your face, that they will always be a certain way.. but given time, they change. and when you see that they are no longer what they once were its a little strange. Im not saying for better or worse.. just different.
been a lot of that around my life lately...

Had Dinner with Maggs and Pat tonight. Strange thing..
I have been feeling like my Mother all day. RealiZing that i cannot see myslef, i do not know what i look like, or how i seem when i act on anything. it is impossible for me to see myself from the outside. So i see myself as my mother. the tight jeans and small shirts, the attitude, the woman she was when i was a early teen. I cannot identify myself as anything else some days. I wish i could have someone follow me around with a video camera for an entire day and then watch the footage, just so i could see me and identify with myself. Although that leads to the question of the universe imploding in on itself trying to gain knowledge of itself- how WOULD i do that? could i? could i handle seeing myself in every day situations? what do i look like? how do i sound? would i be someone i liked? how would it change me?
i really should find out.
things are not like they were a few weeks ago. Everything seems strange and forign.
The train outside is scary to me rite now.. i dont like how it sounds.. the freight train. they have always scared me. they remind me of being in a Nazi camp for some reason.
Im tired, Lots of emotion has flown around in the past few weeks. I have no clue what life will hold for me anymore, so i am keeping to my pace, knocking on doors- taking one step at a time forward. what works will work what doesnt will fall away.
Good night..